As the referees say they will likely be locked out for the start of the 2009-10 NBA season, commissioner David Stern has reportedly will propose to owners a professional, no holds barred version of basketball. “No rules, every man for himself,” described Stern. “Imagine how Ron Artest would go crazy! Shaq versus Nate Robinson. LeBron passes to fan in fifteenth row, who tosses back for a dynamite alley hoop. It would make for a great season.”

“This variation of the game we all love would open up new revenue streams and expand existing ones,” added Stern. “From a merely business perspective, the possibilities are endless!”

If the owners approve the rules-free game, Stern hopes to arrange an exhibition game in Los Angeles, pitting the lowly Sacramento Kings against the champion Lakers.

Commissioner of the National Football League Roger Goodell promised fans a season to remember in an interview on ESPN Radio’s Mike and Mike in the Morning. Goodell said that his office had a “great plot line ready to unleash,” including cases of “awe-inspiring breakouts, records falling, backstabbing, love, and intrigue. All that good stuff and more to make this NFL season as great as the stuff you see in the theaters.”

Goodell said that last season was a success, but the league needed some more drama to counter the effects of the economic recession.

“Last year we had the return of Brett Favre, which was a big hit, I think, so we decided to go with it again this year. Oh, and of course Brady missing the season. One of our writers, a professed Giants fan, came up with the idea shortly before the start of last season and suggested it to the Hunt family [owners of the Kansas City Chiefs], who recommend that Pollard be the one to destroy Brady’s knee. Belichick was pretty POed after the game, so we devised the emergence of Matt Cassel to quell his worries.”

For this season, Goodell said the idea of having Al Davis sign Usain Bolt had been tossed around, as well as having Adrian Peterson tear his achilles, “to stir the pot a bit in the fantasy world.”

New York Yankees’ star shortstop and MVP candidate Derek Jeter has announced he will not attempt to record for most hits by a Yankee, in homage to Lou Gehrig’s accomplishments. Manager Joe Girardi had no comment, as Jeter said he will cease exerting any energy to register a hit after notching his 2,720^th.

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New reports from are emerging from disgruntled Mets employees, saying that the relocation of some minor league players to the Dominican Republican was actually a ploy organized by GM Omar Minaya in order to be able to vacation in the Caribbean. Said one front office intern, “he left on July 30, right before the nonwaiver trade deadline, and then came back just yesterday.”

Nine-time All-Star, member of the 500 home run club, and now entrepreneur? Indeed, the controversial New York Met Gary Sheffield known for his ferocious swing has filed a patent for an oversize corkscrew on behalf of his Sheffield Entrepreneurial Ventures company.

“They always talk about my corkscrew, but of another kind,” said the 40-year old slugger. “Now they can buy my Sheffield Corkscrew to open any megasize wine bottle you may be storing.”

Image: Modified AP Photo/Mike Carlson

Slow-paced Jonathan Papelbon, the All-Star closer for the Boston Red Sox, was fined $10,000 by Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig after summoning his personal masseuse in between pitches.

In a August 29 game against the Toronto Blue Jays at Fenway Park, Papelbon induced Vernon Wells into a fly out before motioning to the crowd. Elizabeth Alderman, a local spa owner, rushed out to the mound with a collapsed lawn chair under one shoulder, and various oils, ointments, and aromatherapeutic herbs under the other.

According to the NESN television network reports, Home plate umpire Fieldin Culbreth wagged his finger at Papelbon, who initiated negotiations with Culbreth. “C’mon, Liz is already out here,” said the 28-year old reliever. “I’m sure she can hook you up with some great coupons.” Culbreth reportedly agreed to allow the masseuse on the field, in exchange for a five-minute backrub and an automatic 3-0 count for Papelbon.

Immortal owner and mastermind of the most storied franchise in the National Football League Al Davis said that despite having both legs broken, star cornerback and the team’s best player Nnamdi Asomugha will play in the opening night game against the San Diego Chargers.

“Nadmimasi Asmonger, that guy who stalks receivers? Well, what’s his face will be starting on opening night,” said Davis at a press conference, adding that the decision was made due to the fact that his backup is almost as terrible as JaMarcus Russell. “We’ll be calling that [NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell] to see if his crutches will be allowed on the field. Let’s not leak this to the media, but I’ve been plotting that they could be transformed into some handy-dandy weapons.”

Image: USA Today

After miscalculating the balls and strikes in two at-bats in a Tuesday night game in Baltimore, Yankee catcher Jorge Posada reportedly left during the seventh inning stretch, thinking the game had drawn to a close. Several Baltimore residents said they spotted the mistaken 38-year old nearby Oriole Park at Camden Yards, dressed in street clothes and stopping into a local Starbucks.

Intrepid reporter Kimberly Jones of the YES Network tracked down Posada, lounging at the bar of the hotel where the team was saying. Posada said he realized he was the only person in an otherwise empty clubhouse, but figured “that Swisher or Cabrera was pulling some dumb prank” and that he was not going to be a part of it. “I know for a fact the game was over,” Posada added. “I even called Alex [Rodriguez], and he didn’t pick up, confirming my suspicions. After games Alex always parties with some gal from Hollywood and is 100% unavailable.”

Image courtesy of minusbaby.

David Wright, the star third baseman for the New York Mets, returned from a fifteen-day stint on the disabled list for the first time in his career, during which the outspoken Spaceballs enthusiast attended a convention for memorabilia from the production classic film. Recounted Wright, who was excitedly bouncing around, “First, I got a model of Planet Spaceball that was signed by Mel Brooks! And then I met Rick Moranis and took a picture with him! We had are arms around each other like old pals! Oh, and anyway, and then he gave me his helmet, that he actually wore!”

According to Wright’s agent, David painted over the helmet with the Mets’ color scheme and stuck a sticker of the Mets’ logo on in order to be able to wear it during games.

As news continues to trickle in concerning 18-year old Spanish standout Ricard “Ricky” Rubio’s decision to forego an NBA career for two years in favor of spending more time in Europe, so do rumors of what Rubio’s eventual reasoning was. Reputable sources of the Sports Sandwich say that it can be traced back to former governor, professional wrestler, Navy SEAL, and Minnesota Timberwolves fan Jesse Ventura, who was reportedly furious with his team’s selection of Rubio in the 2009 NBA Draft. According to our sources, Ventura confronted Timberwolves general manager David Kahn and Rubio in Spain just yesterday, after the latter agreed in principle to sign with Minnesota. A video that emerged on the popular video-sharing site YouTube shows the 280 lb Ventura sending the 190 lb Rubio into the fetal position courtesy of booming roars that have been known to reduce grown men to tears.

“I wanted Stephen Curry, damnit,” the steaming Ventura shouted in the direction of GM Kahn. “KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN.” Turning his attention back to the diminutive Rubio, “Don’t step into my state!”

Part-time NFL cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones reportedly signed a one year contract with the Canadian Football League’s little-known Winnipeg Blue Bombers, marking what associates of Pacman believe will be a “triumphant return” for the former first-round draft pick and star at the University of West Virginia.

In a conference call this morning, Winnipeg’s director of player personnel John Murphy complemented the 25-year old for his “commitment,” “hard to come by leadership skills,” “do good attitude,” and “knack for attracting attention.”

Pacman is rumored has no intention of using the CFL as a stepping stone to NFL, and reportedly Canada’s healthcare system played a major role in the decision. “I’ve been religiously following all the news surrounding healthcare reform here in America,” said Pacman, “but I’ve become disillusioned by the rather raucous turn the discourse has taken. Canadian healthcare is everything American health is not.” He would later add that he expected “to have a blast” in the CFL.