New York Yankees’ star shortstop and MVP candidate Derek Jeter has announced he will not attempt to record for most hits by a Yankee, in homage to Lou Gehrig’s accomplishments. Manager Joe Girardi had no comment, as Jeter said he will cease exerting any energy to register a hit after notching his 2,720^th.

New reports from are emerging from disgruntled Mets employees, saying that the relocation of some minor league players to the Dominican Republican was actually a ploy organized by GM Omar Minaya in order to be able to vacation in the Caribbean. Said one front office intern, “he left on July 30, right before the nonwaiver trade deadline, and then came back just yesterday.”

David Wright, the star third baseman for the New York Mets, returned from a fifteen-day stint on the disabled list for the first time in his career, during which the outspoken Spaceballs enthusiast attended a convention for memorabilia from the production classic film. Recounted Wright, who was excitedly bouncing around, “First, I got a model of Planet Spaceball that was signed by Mel Brooks! And then I met Rick Moranis and took a picture with him! We had are arms around each other like old pals! Oh, and anyway, and then he gave me his helmet, that he actually wore!”

According to Wright’s agent, David painted over the helmet with the Mets’ color scheme and stuck a sticker of the Mets’ logo on in order to be able to wear it during games.